24 years. That’s how long it has taken for me to realize that the overwhelming and intoxicating moments of insecurity were simply fabrications of my mind. A mind that has been overwhelmed with rules, guidelines, trends, stereotypes… the list goes on. It took me 24 years to realize that I am who I am and I love who I am. I always have been, me. In looking for me, I found him. And he opened my cautious eyes to become an even freer, me.
You know how people are always saying things like… “I finally know who I am.” Or “I have found myself.”
In searching for myself, (as we all do) I realized that the little girl that loved animals, composed music, and the wind in her face was the same woman who had been searching desperately.
The problem lies in the desperation that people feel. I noticed that the movies and characters that I related to the most growing up had very little desperation in their soul. They knew who they were and who they were not. This strong sense of self finally came to me with the realization that human beings have a fire.
From the very moment they are born, a fire burns inside them.
We all have a fire or passion for something.
When I was younger, a few things excited me more than anything else: the wind in my face, any source of water and dogs. Something about the wind on my cheeks excited me, even as a baby.
In 24 years, not much has changed. Except for the fact that I am in love.
I don’t know if he knows it but, he has shown me how to be honest. Honest about what I love. What makes me whole. What pushes me.
I have always been cautious, safe, closed up in my own box. And to a fault, rarely letting others in. Whether he knows it or not, he has shown me how to embrace new places, accept people who live their lives differently than I do, climb to rocks that seem too high and keep going when I am weary. He pushes me, gently. He pushes me so that I can see the bluest waters and feel the warm winds on my cheeks, and see the opportunity in all people.
I never realized how important it is to find love. Unyielding love. Love that doesn’t change or break you. Love that revitalizes you. Love that makes you more.
I found freedom in his gentleness. I found freedom in my own passion. I found freedom in loving myself.
I found freedom in love and in our Saturday adventures. Driving. Not even sure where, but driving to find ourselves in nature, together. Not thinking about anything but the togetherness and the natural beauty.
This is the life that I want to lead. Forever. So full of love, so lovely and so very free.